First birthday

Today Mum would have been 88. I have been thinking about her all day. Very sad. One of my extended family members realized it may not be an easy day for me and rang very early this morning. That was so nice and I was extremely touched that this person would have been thoughtful enough to do that. I was very grateful. It brought home to me Mum on the first anniversaries after Dad's death. She was totally convinced that certain things would happen although I did try to tell her that they wouldn't. I spent a lot of time with her and took her out on the anniversary of Dad's birth date. The first Christmas was very hard and she came over and stayed at our place after some coaxing. I really put a lot of effort into those anniversaries to help her have good memories of them and to know she wasn't alone. The first two years after Dad's death I went to have coffee with her each morning on the way to work, this helped her so she did not feel alone and ensured that she had something to get up for each day. Something I am grateful for is that I can look back on the time since Mum and Dad retired and know that I was there for them and did the best I could for them which gives me some comfort. I have often thought how difficult it would be then to know that there was something you knew that they wanted from you but you were unwilling or unable to do that. Some people seem to develop very selective memories so that they don't need to acknowledge their actions. You can always rationalize your actions but you know the truth. I do think that is why I so regret the necessity to place Mum in a home knowing she did not want to be there.  As I said to a family member recently you must do what is right for you because you are the one who has to live with yourself.

Yesterday, at lunch time, I found blood in George's catheter bag. This is a sign of infection I immediately rang the doctor's surgery. We were then there most of the afternoon and finally the catheter was changed and tests done. Last night George got the night bag off twice meaning that I had to change him and the bed....

This morning a nurse came  and found he had the wrong bag on. That was changed and she gave me gel to put on the penis for pain every two hours. I am hoping things go well tonight.

I took George to Brighton for a coffee and I just sat and thought about Mum. I did tell George but of course he is pretty confused with things at the moment. I used to take her to this cafe for many years and it is where we also held her celebration. I just sat and thought about that while I was there.