Changes

Now that Mum has gone things of course change dramatically for me.

After Mum died everything was organised very quickly and I just felt shell shocked by it all however it meant that all of her daughters were here as well as her two oldest grandchildren and everyone was then able to return to their other commitments.  When Dad died it seemed to be a longer time but that would probably because no one came until after his death and of course time blurs your memories.

I do know that it will make a huge difference to me financially ( from day to day living expenses ) as the cost of the home is certainly not your only expense if you want your loved one to have a quality of living, I admit this has not been easy but it had to be done.  I will have more time as I will not be going into the home to see her or take her out. I won't have to pay for others to go and see her. I won't have to reorganise schedules when one of these people needed to change their day. I will not have to handle her finances. I will not have to take calls from the home about anything that happens. I won't have to be ready to drop everything to go to her if something happens. These things I just incorporated into my life. Carers do these things willingly, without thought. It is only when they are no longer there That you start to realise just what you did. It does leave a huge hole.

Last night I was getting things ready for this morning and suddenly found myself in the garage with a bottle of sparkling raspberry and a bottle of body wash in my hand ready to put them in the car as usual. I realised what I was doing and why so with tears streaming down my face I put them back. Little things like this keep happening and making me realise she really is no longer here. At times like this I go and sit down with my thoughts and just remember her. I always feel that if you talk about them or think about them then they are not truly gone but a part of them is still here guiding and watching.