Differences between days

Today someone else was going to see Mum but again couldn't because they might be having carpet laid. I am thankful I went as Mum was wide awake and grabbing at things. This is the sort of day where I think she may recognise if someone doesn't go and see her, I am not sure. I took George with me as he hadn't been out for a couple of days and he likes to go out every day if possible - he gets 'stir crazy' otherwise. I am always reticent about taking him as one day it will penetrate that that is where he is headed.

I recognise that I would feel guilty if I didn't go and I feel bad enough that I am not doing a good enough job without adding that to the mix. I certainly envy those with the confidence to know that what they do is right and do not feel this way.

Mum looked at me twice and straight away said my name. She also recognised George and her eyes lit up and she tried to say his name and grasped his hand. He took in some of his cuttings to show her and I tried to tell him she would destroy them; he didn't listen and she did. I massaged her arms, hands, feet and legs with lavender oil which she enjoyed. We looked at photos and videos and I chatted about our life. I read her nursery rhymes which she enjoys. That seems to relax her. It is important to keep things pretty quiet and just go slow and relaxed when dealing with her.

She likes to drink through a straw and will not have a bar of a sipper cup.

I feel so sorry for the caregivers in the Home, they are fantastic but often work under trying conditions; for example the dishwasher in the back lounge has been broken for three weeks and is not yet fixed. These things mean less time spent with the residents.

In addition I had to go to Nurse Maud to get continence pads for George and go to a chemist to price some medication Mum has been put on. The Home will be charging her for these so I am looking to see if they are cheaper somewhere else.

When we returned home I was busy and George:

1. got out rolls of wrapping paper and completely unwrapped them for the cardboard
2. poured himself a wine and didn't turn the tap off resulting in red wine over the floor and bench

A new week

Last night George's youngest son rang him. George really enjoys these calls and it is so nice that his son is able to have some good quality discussions at this time as it will be something that he remembers in the time to come. Unfortunately his other sons have had little or no contact with him this year which will probably be to their detriment in the time to come. I doubt that they accept the diagnosis and also, no doubt, they are just wrapped up in their own lives which is unfortunate as you do not know how long George will be at this stage and it is so good if they could have some good memories. In time they may come to realise how they weren't there at a time when it would have mattered to George, this is where guilt can start. However that is there decision.

Today George has Julie coming later today. She is coming once a week, at 3 o'clock, to do something with George, for example go for a drive, a walk, play cards etc. Last week they went to Sumner and then for a coffee. Today they are off to Lyttelton.

visiting

Went in to mum this morning. I sat and had a coffee with her while she finished some food and drink. We chatted about all the visitors she had last week: in addition to all her usual daily visitors she had a cousin, an old friend from Rotorua and another friend from Christchurch come to see her. This meant she was often having two visitors a day. It is very interesting that no matter how often I go in she tells everyone that she doesn't see me and that I haven't been to see her for 'months and months'.

We then got ready and I took her out. I took her round to see Alison, a friend for morning tea. We took a book which shows pictures of mum throughout her life to show Alison. She enjoyed doing that. We were there for a couple of hours and she also had a couple of little sleeps during this time. She constantly keeps coming up with comments such as 'I want to be part of the family'. I would tell her how she was part of the family and how everyone comes to see her and how we are all doing our best for her - 'yes but... '. I have to work very hard to distract her but she frequently comes back with this sort of comment. She is also constantly saying how she does not like where she lives and wants to live in a home on her own. It is very hard and no matter what I feel very guilty because there is no way I am able to cope with having her at home.

There are times when I do find it difficult to go to see her as I know that I am going to get these comments and it is very wearying.

Guilt

Mum's visitor yesterday found mum very upset about being in the home and me dumping her there. Unfortunately people with Alzheimer's do not always realise that there is anything wrong with them, Mum certainly doesn't. She wants to be out of there and in her own home, she does not realise that she couldn't cope. It makes you feel very guilty at having put them into a home. She does tell me frequently about dumping her there and that she will never forgive me and while I know that it is emotional blackmail it is very difficult to deal with.  I also have to face the fact that George will reach this stage although I do not know when that will be.

I find it very difficult visiting mum when she is like this as I get quite worked up before I go. While I am with her I am on edge all the time trying to keep the conversation going about all sorts of things ready to try to pacify her when she starts telling me about 'dumping her'. When I leave her I feel worn out which is silly really as I haven't really been doing a great deal. I am also aware that mum has more visitors than most as we have organised that someone goes in to see her or take her out every day so there is not a lot more I can do.